it's not me, it's my mind that needs to change

When people keep saying the same thing and it hits home I guess it’s time I take those words into account.

I was talking to my mother the other day about all the anxiety I was feeling around the holidays (which wasn’t as bad as I thought it was going to be) and all she said was that I need to think positive.

This got me to think about what I wrote earlier about the guitar play with no arms. In the article he said something to the effect that one’s mood can effect one’s life. By being in a good mode you increase you changes of good things happening.

Which brings up something I saw from a movie/documentary “What the Bleep do we know?” that covered ideals about quantum physics that might cross into the spiritual. I’ll talk more about it later (I got a special edition DVD of the film for Christmas), but I will say that one of the ideals in the film is that we change the world around us just by are perspective of it.

This is more then enough for me to see the writing an the wall. I am going to make more an effort to have more of a positive view on things. It’s such a simple concept but is big change to make. I am going to take this one smile at a time and look for ways to become more positive.

xmas not so bad this year

I've notice over the past few years that I have become over come with a lot of worry and depression before Christmas.

I think it has to do with having to deal with judgmental and nosy family members that come around on this day.

but luckily (for me at least) they didn't bother to much with me as they're attention was focused on other people.

in fact last night I was thinking about the fact that a few years ago I was in such a wreck with the ideal of dealing with them (plus thinking about how crappy my life was) that I was literally in the kitchen with a knife to my wrist.

luckily I came to my senses before I cut myself and asked my self what the hell are you doing.

cold winter nights

The last few days I have been feeling extremely antsy, and it only gets worst at night.

This has been going on around this time of year for the last few years. I guess I notice that another year past and I am still basically in the same place as I was before.

I want to do something to get out of this mess of a life but I just don’t know what to do. I want a job but with the countless job applications, I fill get no replies expect a few from companies that end up being job scams. I just wish I knew what I am doing wrong it the job hunt area.

I have been trying to get my license for damn near 10 years but I never get any help, in that field. It’s always one thing or another. I don’t know why I keep expecting help. Right now, I thought if I could get the my grandmother’s car fixed I could use that to re learn how to drive (because it’s been a while since I have been behind the wheel) and use the automobile as my own. But the cars tabs needs to be up dated. My mother said she was going to get new tabs…but I feel once again she is jerking me on this, since she always seems to say she would help me and it never happens.

Why do I keep falling for this I don’t know.

This feeling of having to do something quick to improve my life has only gotten worst because for some odd reason I have bad feeling I am going to die next year. I keep getting flashes that my bathroom floor is going to break and I am going to fall throw.

Am I just going crazy, maybe. I hope I don’t die next year my life would be very very unsatisfying